Of Love and loss of control
by mylla88
Summary: No one knows more about how powerful love can be and how the loss of a loved one can destroy you than Raymond Reddington. It's the reason why he kept his feelings under control like nobody else. But if there is someone who can make him lose it, it's her. Would he fight against Lizzie and his own heart?
1. Love is being powerless

_Hello guys, this is my second fic (Blame this horrible hiatus for it ). I had no beta to this fic so all grammar mistakes are mine xp. It's gonna be basically a collection of drabbles, using all the beautiful lines ever said by Raymond Reddington or Elizabeth Keen. So, if you like it, you know what you have to do , right? If you don't, let me know too ;) Anyway, happy reading._

* * *

 _"When you love someone, you have no control"_

That Raymond Reddington would go through hell and under yet, walk through the flames of that damned place and sell his soul to the devil himself for her, no one close enough to him would doubt it. He'd already lost his heart to her and she didn't even know it. Elizabeth wasn't aware of the fact that she had his heart in her hands, a resilient, stubborn organ that gave itself to her without his mind's consent. After fighting beat by beat with it, he knew it was a long lost battle. He was proud though, that he still had control over his own desire for her.

 _"That is what love is. Being powerless."_

Raymond was aware of his own words. They were the reason why he was afraid of himself, because he didn't know for how long he'd be able to hide it. The love. The hunger he felt for her. But he'd fight it, and while days became weeks and weeks became months, Raymond Reddington thought he could do it for a few months more. Silly him.

Because now? Now her taste was all he could think off. Heavy and sweet. Soft, full lips pressed to his, her tongue caressing his own, hot, demanding. Her body pressed to his, their bodies connected in all the right places. Oh, and how they fit together. It was a cliché, yes, but it was the truth. He moaned, one hand on her slim waist and the other on her beautiful longer hair. She was drinking her fill and he let her. Her hands holding him tight on his neck and left shoulder, sucking on his tongue. It was sweet torture but he wouldn't ask for her mercy. Raymond Reddington didn't deserve anything that Elizabeth keen could give or offer.

But Lizzie was here, in his arms, asking him to give all the pretense and control up and if it was what she wanted, he'd give to her. Bitting her lower lip, just to hear her moan in return, Red couldn't help but open his eyes and look at her, eyes closed, lips parted, face flushed. She was his at this moment. But he couldn't help, he needed to ask.

\- "Are you sure that this is what you want, Elizabeth?" - Her body trembled in his arms, head pending to the left, almost touching his shoulder, her delicate neck free for the caress of his lips. She couldn't control her body's reaction, not after hearing him. His husky,rich voice reaching places inside her, making Lizzie need him like no other man she'd ever met. This man always did things to her that she couldn't understand. She tried but she gave up, so she gave in instead, letting him take her wherever he wanted, just so she could see if she'd find herself along the way.

\- "This is not about what I want Red. Want has nothing to do with it. The feeling of wanting something is so brief. No, this is about what I need. And I need you". - His heart missed a beat. That was something he so wished to hear. His wishes sometimes were like ones of a child, because some of them made him feel like a naive fool. He needed to know if what she need was exactly what he needed from her too.

-" And what, exactly, you need from me, sweetheart?"- His lips paying their tribute to the soft skin of her neck, his teeth marking her as his. His breath burning her.

\- "Everything. Everything you can give me. No more lies, no more secrets. I don't want devotion , Red, I'm not a saint. I'm not pure. I wanna be your equal. Treat me like one."- She waited. Counting her heartbeats. Desire running through her veins. _Come on, Red. Tell me_.

-"In this moment, I give you my word. You have me. All of me. Let me show you that I never thought that you were less, Elizabeth, less than my equal in this war we're fighting"- Closing his eyes, coming back for more of her taste, he let himself be whole with her. They both deserved a lit bit of hapiness, right? And maybe, when this war is finally over, Raymond Reddington and Elizabeth Keen could have a second chance in life;a real one.

Meanwhile, they would enjoy this little moment of peace, in one of many safe houses they've been for the past 14 months, in the middle of nowhere, Germany. May that cold night, full of stars, grant them their wishes.


	2. Dreams are not that sweet

_"What do you want agent Keen? "_

She's having these dreams lately. When she closes her eyes and her mind conjures images of fire and blood .Then the scenario changes and she 's suddenly at peace. A feathery touch on her cheek, caressing her with such delicacy. It helped to smooth her feelings,fear and horror no longer takes her heart. There is reverence in the way his fingers travel through her forehead, nose, lips. Yes, she knows it's him. He makes his presence known even in her dreams." _Lizzie_ ". Eyes open. He is not close. She misses him.

* * *

He made an habit of watching Lizzie sleep by now. Weeks on the run went by but he can't help it, he always goes to her room and look at the peaceful face she has when in morpheus' arms. His Lizzie is always worried, alert, when awake. It's painful to him to see it. But here, in the dark, both of them find what they need. He's still fighting with his heart. The damn thing is persistant. Love will not make things better. But he is only human after all. Morning comes . he touches her lips and leave.

* * *

Dreams can be a blessing or a burning hell. The ones she's having for weeks now are both. A blessing, coz she can feel his touch on her face, her lips trembling under the soft caress of his fingers. She has been fighting more than one battle now. Her heart beats faster when he's close, her eyes can't have enough of him. And when he calls her "lizzie", his rich, deep, velvet voice reach her ears, her blood run faster . She is damned. It's a burning hell then. She can't have him.

 _"What do you really want?"_


	3. Fate is a treacherous thing

_" How did you pick her?"_

Life has these little moments when you think you have control over everything in your life, just to show you in a second that you were wrong, oh, so wrong about things once you believed were true. Raymond Reddington learnt this particular lesson in the hardest way. He knew life was larger than him, not the other way around. He was not blind to the risks of what he was doing working for _those people,_ although losing everything he loved that was dear to him was something Raymond never imagined happening, not at the beggining.

 _She_ was unexpected. A gift life gave him while taking everything else away. Not that he was sure he could blame life itself, because what happened was also the result of the choices he'd made. Elizabeth was also a choice made by him, even if something - call it God, destiny or casuality, pick one yourself - brought her to him. That dreadful night marked both of them.

Now, looking back at their past and at the moment they're sharing now , he was still unsure if he believed in a unknown force being responsable for bring them closer, giving them a chance to clear their names and lives.

" _Fate_ "

He told Madeline that fate was the only thing that brought Lizzie to him. Was it really? Has fate, this mysterious entity, made this choice for him? If so, to what end? To tempt him? Did it want to teach him another lesson? If so, which one?

Because right now, with her head still on his shoulder while they're both in a private jet in their way to France, his hands on her waist to hold her tighter to his body, he couldn't care less. He was tired of this guessing game with what or whoever was in charge of their lives. All he wished, while resting his own head above hers, was for a little bit of peace so he'd have Lizzie all by himself.

The soft Lizzie who could give him small, sweet smiles and would ask him for souveniers when he was back from a trip. She was still there somewhere. He needed her. Maybe he'd find out the real nature of this _need_ for her. To be honest, he'd never been so afraid of his own feelings in his life.

Well, maybe fate was really a treacherous thing.


	4. When you draw lines

_You know the problem with drawing lines in the sand?_

He invited her to sit on the old bench outside the safe house they were sharing for the month, giving her a glass of a wonderful wine when she came and sit right beside him. These little talks between them were becoming common now. He'd come, ask her if she'd like to talk or walk around whatever place they'd be at the time. Reddington was always so tuned to her feelings...Was she really that easy to read, still? Or maybe there was something else about this man who came to her life and changed everything...

Usually they'd talk about nothing really important, about books, music, anything that could be used as a distraction to the real situation they're in. But sometimes Elizabeth couldn't run away from reality and then, she'd again attack him with questions and accusations. She couldn't help it. Red could be so stubborn, so infuriating that accuse him of things would be the only way to break through his façade and make him react, stop him from keeping his mask. Tonight she asked about her mom and again he deflected. And his silence hurt her, so much. And she told him so, leaving her place right beside him on the bench and walking alway, her hands on the door knob when his larger one held hers and pushed her body towards his.

\- _"_ Wait. Please Elizabeth, hear me out" .- She could hear the fear in his voice. He was trapping her between his body and the door.

-"Why should I? I can understand now that you want to protect me Red, I can accept it even thought I'm capable of doing it myself. I stopped drawing lines between us because everytime I tried you came and blew them off. But you never told me your reasons to do so, and everytime I try to think of just one reason, you do something to show me that I was wrong. I'm tired of it. " - Looking at him, she could see that he was tired too. Why couldn't he take both of them out of their misery? She just wanted his honesty.

\- "You know I can't always tell you everything, because you may believe that you can protect yourself from our enemies Lizzie, but you can't. You can't fight this alone and you have other things to remember from that night. Believe me when I say I share your frustration but with time you'll see that I have a very good reason to do everything I did. At least when it comes to you, sweetheart."- It seemed like he was pleading with her for something. She had no clue of what he was asking of her. It was maddening.

\- "I don't know if I can do that Red. I don't know if I can wait fo you. For the moment when you won't be afraid of what I might feel towards you when all the truth is finally revealed." And with that, Lizzie knew she had found his weakness. His fear of losing her was right there in his tearful, bright green eyes.

-"You can't run forever Elizabeth." - his hold on her arms tighter. She could feel the heat of his body, his expensive cologne hitting her nostrils, something masculine and earthy. He looked right through her eyes, searching for something with such intensity. Her legs suddenly weak. It was now or never. She needed to let him know.

\- "Who says I wanna Run, Red?"- closing the distance between their faces, she felt his whole body go rigid, like waiting for any attack on her part. This broke her.

\- "Don't you?" - His voice just a whisper now. He could almost taste her. He didn't dare to make any moviment.

\- "No."

She kissed him.

 _"With a breath of air, they desappear"_


	5. you need me

_"_ _ **You need me**_ _"_

Her body's reaction to his closeness was so strong. She knew he could feel it, the goosebumps on her skin, her heart beating so fast, in sync with his. Her pupils dilated, desire making home at her beautiful eyes. Crystal blue now turned into black. She couldn't control it. Elizabeth Keen was attracted to Raymond Reddington and ready to admit this little fact to herself.

His warm hands touching the sensitive skin on her belly, drawing unknown patterns with his short nails, making her shiver. He was kissing her whole face. First her cheeks, then her nose, her forehead, while his hands in their wandering trip through her body, went from her belly to her lower back. His fingers started a slow massage there, making her body's heat rise even more. Her arms held him tighter on the neck. She couldn't hold back the soft moan that escaped her lips.

Only him could turn a comfort hug into something so intimate, so passionate, an act of not only love but desire. _Want._

She once told him that he needed her. Funny how life always makes you pay for your foolishness. Words are powerful, so you have to be careful when you choose them and when you speak them to someone else. They can come back to bite you. Because now its _her_ who needs _him_.

Her hands now are caressing his head, going through his short hair, nails teasing him there, just like he did with his talented fingers. His lips that were now on her jaw, nipping gently, were coming closer to hers. They were so soft, hot.

Lizzie's lips parted on their own. Another moan came out. She couldn't wait anymore.

\- " _Raymond" -_ Hands gripping his shoulders to keep herself on her two weak legs.

\- " _Elizabeth?"-_ She feels his smile. Bastard.

 _-"Please?" –_ She licked her lips and felt his sweet breath on them. She will kill him if he don't kiss her in the next seconds.

He then nipped her lower, full lip, followed by her upper one, and finally his sinful tongue met hers. It was his time to moan. God, how could a kiss be this powerful?

 ** _"And you hate that about yourself because it makes you vunerable."_**

He was her weak spot. And Elizabeth couldn't care less that now it was him who made her feel vunerable.


	6. A ray of light

" _ **If a ray of light were to make it into the cave…"**_

She was not entirely wrong at the beginning, when she once told him he needed her. He did. She was his second chance at life, a way to make all his enemies pay for what they had done to him and her. However, the nature of this need changed with time. Now a raw, deep, and all-consuming feeling to have her, all of her, was making him act reckless.

He was only human after all and when times were as difficult as this, people usually give in into temptation. The feeling of having her hand on his, of looking at her eyes and see trust there, her trust on him, was addictive. She once gave him something that he did not find easily in his life: honesty. Raymond Reddington was part of a world were such a thing was almost non-existent. Maybe in that moment he really started to feel something entirely different for her. Elizabeth was light where he was darkness. She has light inside her still, even with all the hell she went through.

Red did not change a thing. A monster inside him keeps fighting to get out of its' cage. Although, sometimes Lizzie's feelings for him keeps the monster at bay. Red knows she cares for him and deeply so. He was not blind to the things she has done to protect him. In fact, when he stops to think about it, it is the moment when he wonders, what exactly she feels for him.

While he thinks, sitting comfortably on a black leather sofa placed right in front of the living room's windows, listening Sinatra singing "The way you look tonight" on the radio, he feels her presence.

-"Sam liked to listen Sinatra singing at night sometimes, smoking one of his cigarettes. I learnt to enjoy Sinatra's songs too. One night, he asked me if I would like to dance with him before going to bed. It's one of my dearest memories." – Her voice was soft, her words full of love for the man Red chose to take care of her. Her father.

-"Would you like to dance with me, Lizzie?"- He forced the words to come out. His throat suddenly dry, his voice a little raspy because of the emotions invading his heart. God, how he loved her. How he wished he had not caused her so much pain.

\- "Yes." – He got up then, came closer to her right beside the sofa and took her right hand on his, placing his left one on her waist. Lizzie came closer, her free hand now coming to rest on his neck. Finally, they began to dance.

" _When I'm awfully low_

 _When the world is cold_

 _I will feel a glow just thinking of you_

 _And the way you look tonight"_

She was still wearing that pair of old jeans and a dark blue sweater that brought the blue on her eyes out, her feet bare on the cold wood floor. Lizzie looked so innocent and sweet that all he wanted was to take her in his arms and never let her go. The scent of her shampoo, something floral, assaulted his senses. The temperature in the room seemed to rise. He was glad his vest was unbuttoned, the two first buttons of his white shirt open. When Lizzie was so close like this, Red lost control.

" _Yes you're lovely_

 _With your smile so warm_

 _And your cheeks so soft_

 _There is nothing for me but to love you_

 _And the way you look tonight"_

-"I hope you know Lizzie, that I'll do everything in my power to protect you, just like Sam did."

\- "Well, then…Will you love me like he did too?"- The song ended. Raymond stopped the dance. Still holding her, he looked right into her eyes.

-"Would you like me to do it?"- He held his breath, waiting.

\- "I'd like you to love me in your own way Red. Whatever way it is"- Leaving him alone, she went back to her room.

Thought by the way she looked at him right before leaving, he understood the meaning behind the words she said. Elizabeth was giving him the chance he wanted. His second chance. She knew that the nature of his love for her was not the same as her adoptive father.

" _With each word your tenderness grows_

 _Tearing my fear apart_

 _And that laugh_

 _Wrinkles your nose_

 _Touches my foolish heart"_

Turning off the radio, he was again alone but he did not felt lonely. No. Hope was right there with him.

" _ **Would I be able to see it? Or feel it?"**_


	7. thunder and kisses

_**-"I remember everything… You're my sin eater."**_

He felt a thrill every time he touched her or was really close to her body. When he hugged her to make her feel whole again, when he caressed her hair slowly making her feel safe. However, this thrill was becoming stronger with each passing day. When he saw her there, sitting alone in that bench and finally opened her mouth, telling him that she remembered everything, his heart stopped for one minute.

His lips dry, his eyes burning with tears he didn't want to fall and then, his heart started its beating again, faster and faster, making almost impossible for him to breathe.

He never wanted her to know it. He tried so hard, he fought so much, against Lizzie even, to keep the child inside her safe. She didn't remember everything but she remembered the most important one. No child should know that kind of pain. He felt that he'd failed her in that moment, so he tried to help her in the only way he could.

Raymond knew that when he decided to come back for Lizzie, he'd bring his demons, his darkness along and he would taint her with them. However, there was no use to fight against fate. After all, Elizabeth, no, Masha and he shared a history and their past would follow them wherever they went. Although, he couldn't lie to himself, from the moment he came back, her life took a turn to the worse. It didn't matter that in reality she lived a lie, but he could understand Lizzie. She had peace, she lived in a nice dream and when you wake up someone from it, most of them would prefer to keep sleeping. Reality was a cruel thing and he had his fair share in the nightmare she was leaving.

He offered her twice to go away, even if it broke him inside but twice she welcomed him back in her own way. _She_ came to him, Elizabeth _chose_ him, now for the third time. Why? He was no fool. Red knew that Tom had probably offered her an out from everything, but it was not what his Lizzie would choose. She still had light in her heart despite her sins. She wanted to keep the people she cared about safe and she would find a way to protect her colleagues from the Cabal's plans. _That_ was what _he_ was offering.

Red was no saint but he was not a complete monster either. Most of his sins were inflicted on him, all the lies _they_ told about him made Raymond Reddington become what he was. Now _they_ did the same to her. It seemed that he and Lizzie would have to fight for their second chance together.

So now, he found himself trapped in a dangerous game, an impossible situation, a _Tango._ One step forward, two steps back. Because his feelings for Lizzie grew stronger with each day that they spent together, running, hiding. His feelings in an endless battle against himself, wanting to take over his whole being, like wild animals tearing his mind and heart apart with their sharp claws. When Raymond Reddington loved, he loved deeply, without restrain.

Love, Red thought, was like the storm he was watching through his window. Untamed, all consuming, falling over the world, not letting one place untouched by the drops of water falling without mercy.

Suddenly he saw her there, outside the house, arms wide open, face up, letting the rain fall over her. Lizzie was spinning slowly in some kind of dance.

He watched mesmerized.

Her lips moving softly, as if singing an unknown song. A mermaid's song certainly, as he felt himself walking in some kind of trance, getting out of the room to meet her in the middle of nature, huge trees surrounding them. She was calling and he wouldn't keep her waiting.

When he reached her, Lizzie's laugh filled the place. Her white t-shit hugged her upper body, transparent, the dark blue bra covering her lovely breasts. Her jeans tight against her long legs. Red knew what she was experiencing, the feeling of freedom clear on her beautiful face. She needed this. He knew that nightmares followed her every night and he waited for a chance to help her get through them when she was ready.

Maybe now?

He was dying to touch her. That woman never felt so right to him, to be his. All this time living together, getting closer and closer. His control was slipping.

\- "Lizzie, what are you doing?" – coming closer, letting the rain hit his body, white shirt and dark vest getting all wet, the wind blowing on his face as he faced her. A smile on his lips.

\- "What? Can't the great Raymond Reddington get wet? Have you ever danced in the rain, Red? "- She smiled back, her eyes shining with mischief.

\- "You would be surprised, sweetheart. Would you give me this pleasure?" - The palm of his right hand up, waiting for her to take it. He tried to control a shiver when her hand touched his.

With her whole body in contact with his, the contrast between the cold clothes and the natural warmth of their bodies excited him. They started some kind of waltz, his left arm holding her tight against him, right hand holding her left. Lizzie had her head resting against his shoulder, when he felt her lips brushing against his neck, drinking the water drops from his sensitive skin.

The rain fell harder; a thunder broke through the air.

In a twist, he had her body pressed against a tree. Her hands trapped between his, over her head. His deep groan reaching her ear, lower body grinding into hers. Now, his lips caressed her neck, sucking on the cold drops, hearing her moan his name.

-"Red, red, _red_ ".

Like a mantra, music to his ears. He felt her heart beat stronger against his, her hands holding tighter, sometimes trying to escape and then holding him again. Her right leg moving over his left, trying to get closer.

He wouldn't survive this but he'd die happy. Lizzie was in his arms. Her pleasure was his heaven.

His lips then went to her soft cheek, tongue licking lightly on her. She was so sweet, his Lizzie, the clean smell of rain all around them, making his desire for her burn him. Her lips were close now, waiting for him, her own tongue coming out to feel the drops of rain kiss them. Her eyes opened, looking at him with a hunger that astounded him.

"-Do you love me Red?" – Oh, she knew him so well, didn't she? She was no damsel in distress. His Lizzie would always take matters on her own hands.

"- Yes. After all this time and everything I did, how could I not, Lizzie?"- He answered her honestly, looking at her eyes so she'd see the truth in them.

-"Then kiss me".

\- "Be patient, sweetheart" – he decided to continue his sweet torture. He waited for so long. He didn't only kiss Elizabeth, no, he wanted to worship her. Therefore, he savored a bit more of her soft skin, making Lizzie moan louder. God help him.

\- "How can I be patient when my blood is running faster in my veins? What are you doing to me? How can you be so in control of things?"- laughing softly he faced her then, looking straight into her full lips.

\- "Oh but you're so wrong you see? My blood approves, and kisses are a far better fate than wisdom, someone wrote once. So no, my Lizzie, control is something I don't have right now but I have waited for so long, that I'll take my moment. Now, close your eyes and let me give you more, make you feel more.

Closing his distance, he finally kissed her, her open lips ready for him. A hungry kiss that made him feel complete, his hands letting go of hers to touch her hair and waist, his tongue sucking, caressing, exploring her mouth while hers did the same. Both her legs now holding him at his waist, the cold long forgotten, the rain no longer falling.

Suddenly, he felt warm, the feeling of soft sheets under him. He opened his eyes.

A dream.

He should have known better. The rain was still falling outside, but there was no Lizzie there. He fell asleep on the damn chair.

It looked like he would burn for another night.

Getting up, he reached for the bottle of whiskey right beside him. It wasn't time yet. He knew that Elizabeth was lost when it came to her own feelings.

Time again was his only ally. Red just hoped that it would move a bit faster.

He was losing his mind.


	8. the fear of losing you

" _ **-I believe I know the real reason you don't want me to have the Fulcrum.**_

 _ **-That is...?**_

 _ **-Because you're afraid... that once you give it to me, you'll be of no further use to me and... you'll never see me again."**_

He had left the house early that day, telling her that he had some business to attend with one of his associates. She did not argue with him. Elizabeth learned to trust him in the last fifteen months. Besides, she really needed sometime alone to think. She felt restless. Every night fighting for sleep to come were draining her energy.

They achieved some success in this war they were fighting. A few powerful people fell from their thrones and she knew that, by now, the FBI was looking back at every move they took since Raymond Reddington entered their building. She missed her colleagues… Ressler, Samar, Aram and Cooper. The older man was like a father to her. Her heart hurts when she remembers the fact that she disappointed him somehow. She killed Connolly. If anyone asks her, Elizabeth would say that, yeah, the man deserved it, but she didn't know if she'd still be the one to pull the trigger.

Well, she had Dembe's company sometimes. He was a good man and Elizabeth now had an especial place for him in her heart. He was loyal, honest, protective and kind. A man of few words still, but the last time they were together in that same room she was now, looking at the sky turning into a dark blue as night fell upon it, he told her something that kept coming back without her mind's consent.

She couldn't help but remember the last time they talked in this same room.

"- He is gone again?"- Dembe's voice behind her on the sofa startled her that evening.

"-Yes, He said he would buy dinner but I think he needed a break from this house. I can't blame him really." – Last week has been tough. Someone had followed them on the street on their way to a bank. A man in a dark brown coat and dark jeans. Since that day, Red didn't want her out of the house not even for a minute. She understood but it didn't mean that she liked the idea.

"-I know that all this is not easy. It will take time, Elizabeth, but I hope that you'll believe me when I say that you both will get out of this alive and stronger together."

"- Believe me, Dembe, I want that. I want to live a normal life again… I want to walk freely and I hope that when everything ends…He won't disappear. I know he thinks he deserves the hell that his life has become. I don't believe this. Not anymore." – If she was honest with herself, she just hoped that Red would be by her side. She needed his strength. He made her feel safe.

Looking at Dembe, who was now standing next to one of the windows in front of her, she saw the man turn and look at her deeply, like wanting to be sure that whatever he'd say, it would find place somewhere in her heart. She shuddered, feeling cold all of a sudden. Whatever he was about to say, she knew it was something that it would make her think about what she has been feeling lately for his boss.

"-Elizabeth, I've been by Raymond's side for a long time. He helped me when I was alone in this world. I own him a debt that I don't know if I'll be able to pay someday and I saw him do the same for you. I watched Raymond protect you, pay for every mistake he made with you, because you were the one who made him pay it and he accepted his punishment, because he knew he deserved it. He lied, but he did because he didn't want to lose you. He won't leave you."

She looked at him, trying to control the tears that came to her eyes without her even feeling. Elizabeth didn't know that she needed Dembe's reassurance until now. Her fears kept her awake at night but she had so many that she could not identify _the one_ did that to her: that Red's feelings for her were not strong enough. That he still didn't care for her _that_ much.

"- Thank you. I'm still not sure if by the end, we both will be the same…"

"- I doubt it. Raymond has you now and this changed him already. I hope you know that. Learn to look closer Elizabeth. Try to really _see_ him."

She would ask him to which feelings he was referring to, but Red had chosen to arrive at that same moment, so she had to hold herself and have dinner with them. As always, it was one of her favorite moments, because they made her feel like they were living normally. Dinner with people she loved in a way.

Since that night two weeks ago, she had not seen Dembe. She wondered where he was and what he was doing. In times like these, when she was alone, his words revisited her mind, making her look right into her heart. It wasn't something she did often, probably because she was too afraid lately, of what she would find. After her fiasco with Tom, no, Jacob, Lizzie thought that she wasn't ready to feel something again. For anyone.

She had been so naïve. If she was honest like Dembe told her to be, her feelings for Red had started to take her whole heart since she saw the man. She fought against _it_ with everything she had, to no avail in the end. Every time that he'd took her hand, welcomed her in his arms, offered her to leave, or offered to help her, _every fuckin time_ , she lost it.

Because she needed him. Like now. However, was she brave enough to tell him that? Does he know it? Last year, when they were still fighting somehow over the Fulcrum, he told her that she was afraid that he'd leave. It was true, but the reason has a new meaning now.

Maybe it was time to talk about everything she was holding inside herself. Tell Red everything she was thinking and feeling. She was losing her mind too.

A noise brought her back from her deep thoughts. A key opening the front door. She left the armchair she was sitting comfortably in to welcome him.

The door opened and he appeared, in a blue three-piece suit. A plastic bag in his right hand. Italian food apparently.

"- Good evening Lizzie. I brought you some dinner." – He said lightly, looking at her with a soft smile.

Taking a deep breath, reuniting all the courage she could muster, she told him the words she was so afraid to speak:

"- Red. We need to talk."

…


End file.
